When we hear the word grief, we often think about the death of someone we love.
Bereavement is one of the most painful forms of loss we may experience, but it is not the only experience that can leave us grieving.
Grief can also follow the end of a relationship, a change in our health, the loss of a job or career, a significant change to our daily routine, or the realisation that the future we had imagined will no longer happen.
National Grief Awareness Day takes place on 30 August each year. It provides an opportunity to acknowledge the many ways grief can affect us and to encourage greater compassion for anyone living with loss.
Grief beyond bereavement
Grief is a natural response to losing someone or something that was important to us. Although it is most commonly associated with death, organisations including Cruse and the NHS recognise that people can experience grief following many different kinds of loss.
You may find yourself grieving:
- The end of a relationship or friendship
- A change in your physical or mental health
- The loss of your independence
- Redundancy, retirement or a change in career
- Fertility difficulties or a pregnancy that did not progress as hoped
- A move away from a familiar home or community
- Children leaving home
- A change in your role within your family
- A routine, lifestyle or sense of stability
- Plans or expectations you had for your future
These experiences can affect our sense of safety, identity and belonging.
Someone experiencing a change in their health, for example, may not only be dealing with symptoms or treatment. They may also be grieving the person they felt they were before, the things they could once do or the future they expected to have.
Similarly, the end of a relationship may involve grieving more than the person themselves. It can mean losing shared routines, mutual friendships, a home, a sense of family and the plans that had been made together.
When other people do not recognise the loss
Some losses are acknowledged openly. People may send cards, offer condolences or understand that you need time and support.
Other types of grief can be much less visible.
There may be no ceremony, recognised period of mourning or obvious way to explain what has changed. People around you may expect you to move on quickly, look on the positive side or feel grateful for the things you still have.
You might hear comments such as:
- “It was only a job.”
- “You’re better off without them.”
- “At least you can try again.”
- “Things could be worse.”
- “You need to focus on the future.”
These comments are often intended to help, but they can leave someone feeling as though their loss is not important enough to grieve.
You do not need another person’s permission to feel affected by something that mattered to you.
There is no single way to experience grief
Grief does not always look like sadness.
It can appear as anger, guilt, confusion, relief, numbness, anxiety or difficulty concentrating. You may feel exhausted or disconnected from the people around you. You may also have moments when you laugh, enjoy yourself or feel relatively settled.
This does not mean that you are grieving incorrectly or that the loss did not matter.
There is no fixed timetable and no set order in which feelings must appear. While people sometimes refer to “stages” of grief, this is only one way of trying to understand the experience. Grief is individual and does not always follow a predictable or straightforward path.
You might feel that you are beginning to adjust and then find that a date, conversation, photograph, place or unexpected reminder brings difficult feelings back to the surface.
This can be unsettling, but it does not mean you have gone backwards.
Grieving a future that did not happen
Sometimes we grieve something we never fully had.
Perhaps you imagined becoming a parent, growing old with a particular person, following a certain career or living a life that now feels out of reach.
The loss of an imagined future can be particularly difficult to explain because other people may not see what has been lost. However, the hopes, expectations and emotional investment connected to that future were real.
It is possible to appreciate parts of your current life while still feeling sadness for the life you thought you would have.
Both feelings can exist together.
Loss and our sense of identity
Major changes can leave us asking: Who am I now?
Our identities are often closely connected to our relationships, work, health, responsibilities and everyday routines.
When one of those things changes, we may lose the roles that once helped us understand ourselves. Someone might no longer see themselves as a partner, employee, carer, athlete or the person others relied upon.
Rebuilding a sense of identity can take time.
It does not mean forgetting who you were or immediately finding a positive meaning in what happened. It may begin simply with recognising what has changed and giving yourself space to consider what you need now.
Making space for your feelings
There is no simple solution to grief, but there are gentle ways to support yourself as you adjust to loss.
Name what you have lost
Sometimes it can help to put the loss into words.
This may include acknowledging the less obvious parts of it: companionship, freedom, confidence, financial security, routine or a sense of purpose.
Allow mixed feelings
You might feel sadness and relief, love and anger, or hope and fear at the same time.
These feelings do not cancel one another out. Human relationships and significant life changes are often complicated, and our emotional responses can be complicated too.
Avoid judging your progress
Try not to measure your grief against somebody else’s experience or against how you feel right now.
Adjustment rarely happens in a straight line.
Maintain small points of stability
When life feels uncertain, simple routines can provide some reassurance. Eating regularly, getting outside, resting and keeping in contact with supportive people may help create a little structure.
You do not have to rebuild everything at once.
Talk to someone you trust
Being able to speak honestly without being rushed, judged or encouraged to look for a quick solution can help you begin to understand what the loss means to you.
How counselling may help
Grief can feel isolating, particularly when the loss is not fully understood by the people around you.
Counselling offers a confidential space where you can talk about what has changed and how it has affected you.
You do not need to justify why you are grieving or arrive with the right words. You may simply know that something feels different, painful or difficult to carry alone.
Counselling will not remove the significance of what you have lost. It can, however, give you space to process your feelings, understand your responses and begin to find a way of living alongside the change.
Your loss does not have to fit a category
This National Grief Awareness Day, it may be helpful to remember that grief is not reserved for one particular kind of experience.
Whether you are grieving a person, a relationship, your health, an identity, a routine or a future you expected to have, your feelings deserve care and acknowledgement.
Loss does not have to be visible to be real.
If you would like a safe and confidential space to explore grief or a significant change in your life, you are welcome to get in touch to find out more about counselling and how I may be able to support you.
Further support
You can find information about grief and loss through:
If you need urgent emotional support, you can contact Samaritans free of charge, at any time, by calling 116 123.